Kyoja Renbu

Notes: This character is based on Street Fighter EX's Kairi and Chernobog's Shouki.
I made this on iKinkajou.

Name: Kyoja Renbu(real name unknown to him)

Age: 21(stopped aging)

Birthdate: unknown

Birthplace:unknown

Fighting style: Kobujutsu

Appearance:

Height: 6' 1''(1.9 m)

Weight: 181 lb(82 kg)

BMI: 23.9

Skin: pale white with many brown scars all over his body from fighting killers

Hair: thick medium-long straight white hair with a long tail going down his entire back

Eyes: light brown; His left eye has a long scar over it and, because of this, he cannot open it.

Description: Kyoja has unusually long arms and legs; his reach being about 4 feet(1.2 meters).
Kyoja has never been seen wearing a hood like his brother.

Kyoja is Shouki Hatsudou's brother.
Kyoja screams and holds his head in pain when he kills another by utilizing Kyoja Renbu, a deadly technique he developed which he names himself for.
After fighting for long periods of time, his hands begin to glow with blue fire as he becomes more powerful.

Backstory: Kyoja was born to a small family under the name of Conner Ford after the execution of his brother. He was born with black hair and his hands glowing(although his hands didn't always glow after that). He lived a normal life, he attended school and made few friends. But when he turned 18, his parents told him about his brother and his brother's execution. He was filled with grief and anger over the brother he had never known. Over the next few years, he searched everywhere he could get to for his brother, killing(mostly with Kyoja Renbu and without a shred of pain to himself) and apprehending many serial killers for the sake of justice, as he remained in denial not even knowing that his brother had been revived, but searching none the less. His grandfather challenged him to a fight to the death which Kyoja won by use of Kyoja Renbu. He screamed in extreme pain and grief of it. At that, he changed his name to Kyoja Renbu, the name of his killing technique, to emphasize that event so he would never forget what he considered to be the worst action he had ever taken.

Mystyr Nile wrote:

Notes: This character is based on Street Fighter EX's Kairi and Chernobog's Shouki.
I made this on iKinkajou. So base it off a character already and a fairly bad one...great start

Name: Kyoja Renbu(real name unknown to him) Japanese names, bleh

Age: 21(stopped aging )And why would that be?

Birthdate: unknown Why?

Birthplace:unknown "

Fighting style: Kobujutsu And this is...

Appearance:

Height: 6' 1''(1.9 m) Fine

Weight: 181 lb(82 kg) "

BMI: 23.9 A tad unnecessary but fine

Skin: pale white with many brown scars all over his body from fighting killers Sounds exactly like Kairi

Hair: thick medium-long straight white hair with a long tail going down his entire back "

Eyes: light brown; His left eye has a long scar over it and, because of this, he cannot open it. Fine, don't be original

Description: Kyoja has unusually long arms and legs; his reach being about 4 feet(1.2 meters). Not much to say here
Kyoja has never been seen wearing a hood like his brother.

Kyoja is Shouki Hatsudou's brother.
Kyoja screams and holds his head in pain when he kills another by utilizing Kyoja Renbu, a deadly technique he developed which he names himself for.
After fighting for long periods of time, his hands begin to glow with blue fire as he becomes more powerful.

Backstory: Kyoja was born to a small family under the name of Conner Ford after the execution of his brother. He was born with black hair and his hands glowing(although his hands didn't always glow after that). He lived a normal life, he attended school and made few friends. But when he turned 18, his parents told him about his brother and his brother's execution. He was filled with grief and anger over the brother he had never known. Over the next few years, he searched everywhere he could get to for his brother, killing(mostly with Kyoja Renbu and without a shred of pain to himself) and apprehending many serial killers for the sake of justice, as he remained in denial not even knowing that his brother had been revived, but searching none the less. His grandfather challenged him to a fight to the death which Kyoja won by use of Kyoja Renbu. He screamed in extreme pain and grief of it. At that, he changed his name to Kyoja Renbu, the name of his killing technique, to emphasize that event so he would never forget what he considered to be the worst action he had ever taken.

First off, he sounds incredibly mentally unstable if he starts killing people in search of someone who he's been told is dead. Plus you never explained why his brother has been executed (Unless that's in the shitty bio you based this off of). I would assume he is mentally unstable, so how would he be able to differ between serial killers and bystanders? Now his grandfather randomly challenging him to a fight to the death. Was it out of pity? Anger? Trying to "save" him? Who was his grandfather? I could imagine he could be some old geezer who's always drunk and randomly blurted out a challenge to the death by the amount of detail you gave. After the fight, if he knew he may end up killing his grandfather and reacting like the way you described, why would he accept it in the first place? Oh right, he's mentally unstable.

Comments in bold

...Jin, I think you're being a bit harsh. As i was stated at the old forums, "What we really need is an RP to further define our characters in." I can't work using packaged characters. I make someone, use them, and if someone else hasn't seen them in action before, well, sucks to be them!

I'm just stating the truth here. If you were to develop a character through an RP, then at least don't leave so many plot holes in his backstory.

Aah, I'm used to it now.
http://forums.mcleodgaming.com/viewtopic.php?f=23&t=21096

Doesn't matter if Jin was harsh IMO.

He was giving constructive criticism. Rather that saying "this is shit", he explained what was wrong with it.

Hold on, making a few adjustments to my Bio...

Would it affect mine?

No. Do I have to submit mine if he linked to it?

I wouldn't thimk so; I just posted mine here to open it up to further critique.